無條件的友誼

這一段佩瑪.丘卓的話,讓我不停地、反覆地思索與感受。

我們常會希望能在外面找到一個伴侶或朋友能夠給予我們真正的友誼或無條件的陪伴,但是,在外面,我們一次又一次的失望,為什麼呢? 我們從來也沒有當過自己那超有義氣、無條件給予和陪伴的朋友。

最近,在一次靈魂暗夜的經驗裡,我感受到,在那個時候,除了自己無條件給自己的愛、陪伴與支持,沒有其他的人在那個時刻能夠做什麼,在那裡,像從高空跳傘般地向黑暗跳下,只有自己能夠在那裡全然地、慈愛地承接自己。

當我們能夠全然接納自己的黑暗,我們才能視自己為一個完整的人類,接受自己的人性、脆弱與恐懼,也才能同時間,看見他人的黑暗,也是來自於相同的人性、脆弱與恐懼。

真正的友誼~~佩瑪.丘卓

「培養無條件的友誼指的是,一步一步在恐懼之中,慢慢認識你自己,這指的是,當你想要關上心門時,仍願意清晰地看著自己,並與自己在一起,這指的是,當你感覺看見自己太過丟臉、太過痛苦、太過不悅,太充滿憎恨的時候,你仍打開你的心。

在這靈性戰士訓練和成為菩薩的道路之上的指標,就培養勇氣,有了這樣的勇氣,你可以走在地球的任何一個地方,幫助其他人,因為,你不會對他們關上心門,無論他們正經歷什麼,你都可以在那裡和他們在一起。

但是,這條路的第一步是,用溫柔仁慈的感受去看著你自己,要這麼做要有很大的膽子,如果你試著這麼做,你會知道,在自己開始對看見的東西感到害怕時,仍舊處在當下有多麼困難。

如果,你一次又一次地看著自己,並和你看到的繼續在一起,會開始與自己發展出更深的友誼,這是完整的友誼,因為你不遺棄自己痛苦而難以共存的部份,和他人建立完整的友誼是相同的方式,你容納所有他們如是的樣子,當你和自己建立起這種完整的友誼,你難堪的部份–與你自豪的部份–顯化為真摯的模樣,一個真摯的人不隱藏任何東西,不欺騙自己,真摯的人不用戴面具與帶盔甲。

我們都知道看著一個戴面具的人是什麼感覺,我們並無法看見他們真實的心靈,他們的效率或懶散,他們的恐懼,都用面具的型式展現出來,他們躲在走鵑(roadrunner, 快速奔跑者的意涵)或是沙發馬鈴薯的個性後頭,但是,當某個人與他們所有的不確定、內在害怕的地方在一起時,他們變得真摯,面具、個性都消失了,你會感覺能夠信任他們,因為他們不再欺騙自己,他們也不會欺騙你,他們的真摯顯化出來是因為,他們看見了所有自己的一切,這不表示他們不再對自己看到的東西感到難堪或不舒適,而是,他們不再逃跑了,他們不再需要用一些壓制的方式,如喝酒、用藥與其他上癮方式來逃避經驗,他們不需要變成極端份子來逃避對自己的感受,他們不用穿上武裝盔甲。

當我們在身邊築起對未知與恐懼的高牆,邱揚創巴任波切說,此時,我們蓋起了一顆「鐵石心」,當一個人與自己開展一段真切的友誼,鐵石心軟化為其他的,它變成脆弱的心,柔軟的心,它變成悲傷的真摯之心,因為,這是一顆願意被痛苦碰觸並仍與之同在的心。」

Art: Susan Seddon Boulet (http://www.turningpointgallery.com/bio.asp)

原文:

By Pema Chödrön from Shambhala Sun, excerpted from their March 2011 print magazine:

Developing unconditional friendship means taking the very scary step of getting to know yourself. It means being willing to look at yourself clearly and to stay with yourself when you want to shut down. It means keeping your heart open when you feel that what you see in yourself is just too embarrassing, too painful, too unpleasant, too hateful.

The hallmark of this training in spiritual warriorship, in the bodhisattva path, is cultivating bravery. With such bravery you could go anywhere on the Earth and be of help to other people because you wouldn’t shut down on them. You would be right there with them for whatever they were going through. But the first step along this path is looking at yourself with a feeling of gentleness and kindness, and it takes a lot of guts to do this. If you’ve tried it, you know how difficult it can be to stay present when you begin to fear what you see.

If you do stay present with what you see when you look at yourself again and again, you begin to develop a deeper friendship with yourself. It’s a complete friendship, because you are not leaving out the parts that are painful to be with. It’s the same way you would develop a complete friendship with another person. You include all that they are. When you develop this complete friendship with yourself, the parts you’re embarrassed about—as well as the parts you’re proud of—manifest as genuineness. A genuine person is a person who is not hiding anything, who is not conning themselves. A genuine person doesn’t put up masks and shields.

We know what it’s like to look at someone and feel we are just seeing their mask, that we’re not really seeing their genuine heart, their genuine mind. Their speed or their laziness, their fear, takes the form of a mask. They hide behind their roadrunner or couch potato persona. But when someone is present for all of their uncertainties, for the scary places within, they become genuine, and the mask, the persona, drops away. You feel you can trust them because they’re not conning themselves, and they’re not going to con you. Their genuineness manifests because they have seen all there is to see about themselves. It doesn’t mean that they’re not still embarrassed or uncomfortable about things they see, but they don’t run away. They don’t avoid experiencing what they are feeling through some form of suppressing, like drinking, drugs, or another addiction. They don’t become fundamentalist to avoid feeling what they feel about themselves. They do not strap on the armor.

When we wall ourselves off from uncertainty and fear, Trungpa Rinpoche said that we develop an “iron heart.” When someone develops a true friendship with themselves, the iron heart softens into something else. It becomes a vulnerable heart, a tender heart. It becomes a genuine heart of sadness, because it is a heart that is willing to be touched by pain and remain present. –  Pema Chödrön

發表迴響